Friendship and a Restless Night
by Saber Wing
Summary: Athrun and Kira are enjoying some well deserved down time, when they find themselves stumbling into a place where unparalleled horrors lie waiting for them. The chaos. The calamity! Turn back while you can, boys. You've found the world of fanfiction.
1. Chapter 1

_**Author's Note: **_This is gonna be so much fun, I can already feel it. A parody of Gundam Seed/Destiny, and fanfiction written about it. I will be making jabs at just about everything, and every pairing under the sun. Why? Because I can. Will you laugh? I hope so. Are they out of character? Yeah, kind of, but that's the fun of it. Updates will probably be random and irregular. If I decide to add more chapters and cover other pairings, that is. Some mature themes involved, but nothing too graphic.

The clips of fanfiction are not based off of anything that already exists. I'm making them up myself. More fun that way :). Story is set in Destiny before they arrive in the Lunar City, Copernicus. Hope you enjoy this!

_**Friendship and a Restless Night**_

_**By: Angel Wings-008**_

_**Metal, Mobile Suits, and Burning Flames of Love  
**_

Kira Yamato was restless. Again. Seemed to be happening to him quite a lot lately.

Lately? Who was he kidding? It had been happening for this whole series, if he was being honest with himself. At least, he thought so. That was the only explanation as to why he could usually be found on a beach near the orphanage, brooding like an old man. Talk about a 360 degree turn in a different direction. Although, he much preferred semi-stoic and brooding as opposed to how he'd acted in the original series. At least he wasn't constantly having panic attacks. Or bawling night after night in the cock-pit of his mobile suit. Or screwing his friend's girl (Lacus didn't count, and he was sticking to that). Or being used by said girl as a device for revenge and murder.

Okay, if he didn't stop, he _was _gonna cry.

Back to the point. He was restless. Right. Of course he would be. He couldn't even see the sky from where they were, let alone go to the beach. They hadn't yet arrived in Copernicus, and he was sick of the emptiness of space. He would just have to revel in all of his awesome thoughtfulness right here on his bed, in the room he shared with Athrun.

Hey, there was another good thing about the _Destiny_ series. He wasn't fighting on opposing sides of his best friend!

...anymore. Damn. Maybe this was kind of like the original.

The young coordinator sat listlessly staring at the screen of his laptop computer, hugging one leg to his stomach and resting his chin on a bent knee. There had to be _something _he enjoyed that didn't involve fighting or some other complication of war. It was just that, Kira wasn't used to _not_ fighting people. Being the main character was a tough job, but somebody had to do it. Athrun was too much the flaky 'I'm stuck inside of my head all the time' kind of guy. Not always good for progress in an anime where blowing shit up counted as the only significant plot event.

Well, maybe he could convince Athrun to play video games with him when he got out of the shower. Until then though, Kira was screwed. What to do?

Minutes passed by at a painfully slow crawl, and Kira was still surfing through random websites when one caught his eye and forced him to pause. Hmm. He'd heard of fanfiction, if only fleetingly. Hesitantly, he selected the link. Why not? Might even find it interesting.

Was he ever right. On a whim, he navigated through countless topics under differing categories until he came to his own: _Gundam Seed_. You know, now that he thought about it, the 'Seed' part never was clearly explain, was it? They kind of just dropped hints along with vague bits of information and expected people to get the gist of it when coordinators in their cockpits randomly turned into invincible super warriors. Seriously? He couldn't help but giggle whenever he thought of his 'seed' exploding. Nice metaphor. They totally did that on purpose.

Grinning, he clicked on the blue hyperlink. This was going to be good. Maybe. Hopefully.

"Hey Kira, have you seen any of my sweatpants? I can't find them." Kira heard the voice of his best friend ask, distant, yet close by. Clearly, it was coming from the bathroom doorway. There was a faint echoing quality surrounding the words.

"They're in the wash, remember? Just grab a pair of mine," he replied, without turning his head to look at the other coordinator. Sprawling out on his stomach, Kira scrolled down the page, reading title after title, summary after summary. Before long he was smiling wide, struggling not to burst into hysterical laughter.

"Athrun, come here. You have to see this!"

Kira could hear his best friend riffling through the closet, and it wasn't long before the snap of a hangar reached his ears. After a moment or two, he walked into Kira's field of vision, tugging on a pair of blue and white checkered pajama bottoms that the young man recognized as his own.

"What?" Athrun asked, walking forward to sit beside Kira on the bed. He leaned in toward the laptop screen to check out what Kira was looking at, but that only caused his face to plunge into a further state of confusion. "What is this?"

"Something called fanfiction, and get this; there are tons of stories about us!"

"Us...?"

Kira grinned. "Yeah, all of us. Everyone who has ever appeared in _Gundam Seed_ or _Gundam Seed Destiny._ There are even some dedicated to people nobody cares about, who got little to no screen time. Weird, huh? I mean, seriously. Who the hell is Miguel?"

Athrun froze and turned on Kira, emerald eyes glaring. Uh-oh. _What? What did I say?_

"A friend of mine, who _you _killed after about three episodes, thank you very much."

Oh. Awkward. Kira winced, frowning in concern. "Right. My bad. I mean, uh...sorry."

Rolling his eyes and shaking his head, he gestured for Kira to scoot over, a request to which he quickly complied. Within a second, Athrun was stretched out next to him, reaching for the mouse. "Let me see this."

"Uh, Athrun, you might wanna pace yourself. Some of them are...oh ew, that would never happen!" Kira groaned, screwing up his nose in disgust. "Me and Commander La Flaga? Really?" Scanning the summary once more, he struggled not to turn around and claw his eyes out with the fork that lay on his bedside table.

_**Metal, Mobile Suits, and Burning Flames of Love**_

_Kira may have been a coordinator, but there were a great many things he still didn't know. Well, then. A certain blonde-haired natural would just have to fix that, wouldn't he? Kira/Mu slash. ZOMG sexiness ;D_

Was his eye twitching? Why yes, yes it was. His mouth was hanging open too, and Kira couldn't help himself. Damn, he wished whoever it was would stop making that strangled chicken sounding noise, that was annoying...oh wait, that was him. Great. He kind of felt like curling up into a ball under the covers and never coming out again.

This may not have been at all amusing to Kira, but Athrun was roaring with laughter beside him. "Come...come on. Click...it..!" He choked between breaths. He was laughing so hard he couldn't even breathe. Served him right.

"No way. I've seen enough."

"Come on, Kira. This was your idea, you know. How bad could it be, it might even end up being hilarious," Athrun reasoned, voice still hoarse from laughing as he wiped tears from his eyes.

And, because Kira often ended up silently hanging on Athrun's every word, he listened to him. Why not? He was already scarred for life. What could go wrong? "Fine..." Kira clicked on the link and visibly winced when the story popped onto the screen, preparing for the worst. Why did he get the feeling that he was going to regret this later?

It took all of two seconds for him to answer that question.

"_S-Senpai...can I ask you something?_

Oh, dear God, he hated it already. Kira did _not _stutter like that. Nevertheless, he pressed on, regardless of his own sanity. Morbid curiosity, he guessed. Athrun was right. He really _didn't _think things through. If he had, he would have realized that this was a bad idea and exited out of the window immediately. No, he wasn't talking about his computer either. Don't laugh, he was serious.

And yet, he continued to read this pile of crap even now, because that was the way the writers always wanted him to be: reckless, and slightly clueless.

_Mu La Flaga turned his head to gaze at Kira, and the young coordinator's heart skipped to a stop inside of his chest. He was beautiful. Kira couldn't deny it anymore. That was why he had to ask. He absolutely had to ask. Keeping a secret like this was tearing him apart! His soul was screaming out a name, and that name was Mu La Flaga! _

"_Anything, kid. Ask away. What's on your mind?" the older man replied, mouth twisting into that studly roguish grin that made Kira swoon. The one that made him wonder if the keeper of his heart was a natural blonde. Oh no, what if he was blushing now? He had to be manly for Mu to like him! Blushing was not manly!_

"_Uh...I um..."_

"_Well? Spit it out, Kira." Mu leaned in closer, lips grazing Kira's ear, teasingly. Just daring the younger man to turn and press his mouth onto his. "What did you want to ask me?" he whispered, hot breath on his neck._

"_I just can't hide it anymore! Ever since that day...that day you told me I should fight with you, I just can't stop thinking about you! When you look at me, when you talk to me...when you brutally murder someone in a fiery explosion of metal and shrapnel, and all in my defense..."_

_Mu winced. "Getting kinda weird, kid. Get to the point."_

"_Right, sorry. Every time you put your arms around me or help me out of my cockpit, I want to slam you onto the ground, rip your clothes off, and have my way with you, never mind the fact that doing so would be painfully out of character. I love you, Mu! Please make sweet, passionate, illegal, highly x-rated love to me! Please!" _

"_Now, that's what I'm talking about. Been waiting for you to say that." His blue eyes lit up with mischief as he looked at him, face mere inches away. "I love you too, Kira. I've been wanting to go down on you ever since I first saw you at Heliopolis, even though we were in a war zone and I should have been focusing on not getting blown up. Though you were obviously way too young and angst-ridden, I wanted to rip the shit out of that ass from the start. I'm too big and manly not to be the dominant one. If you'll have me, I'll take you right here, right now."_

"_Oh, Mu! I thought you'd never ask!" And, because this is a romance fanfiction, their flight suits were magically ripped off in record time, revealing unnaturally developed muscles, and a sixteen year old with a certain something that should never have been this big. Then again, he was a coordinator and Mu certainly didn't seem to mind, when he..._

All right, stop! Stop! Someone had to make it _stop_! What was wrong with the world? What was _wrong _with people?_! _Oh, the agony! Oh, the heart-wrenching despair! Kira was gonna go angst now. Yes, that was it. Just curl up in a corner somewhere in a fetal position, forget about the world, and come up with a way as to how he was ever going to look Mu in the eye again. Or 'Neo Roanoke,' whatever the hell he was calling himself these days. What a stupid name. It made him sound like he was from a soap opera or something. Or a porno.

In any case, what the hell._ What the hell! _Angst. Must go angst. He'd get on that now, right after he punched Athrun in the face for laughing hard enough to be sobbing.

"Oh, Mu! I thought you'd _never _ask!" Athrun cooed in a singsong voice that was so high-pitched, it grated on his ears. It was _not _helping the headache Kira could feel coming on. The young coordinator was banging his fists on the bed as he continued to laugh, tears streaming down his cheeks. The horrible thing? Kira had never seen Athrun 'cry' so much in his life. What did that even say about him?

"Shut up!" A few seconds passed. His supposed best friend wasn't shutting up. Fine. He'd have to play 'that' card. Athrun had sworn him to secrecy because if Dearka ever found out, he would never hear the end of it. But, what did Kira care? He and Athrun had nearly killed each other multiple times. Something so mundane wasn't going to tear up their friendship. Nothing seemed quite so bad after, "I destroyed you, your friend, and your mobile suit in one fell swoop."

"That's it. If you don't stop laughing, I'm gonna tell Cagalli about that time you decided to 'experiment' at summer camp," Kira said with a grin, smiling even wider when his best friend was instantly struck silent.

Athrun turned to him, pure terror written all over his face. "You wouldn't _dare._"

"I would, and I will. You guys are already on the rocks. I'm sure she'd love to know you may not be into chicks _at all_." He had to get back at him somehow. Being Mu's bitch was not funny. End of story. Kira was the one who held god-like amounts of power and endless, battle after battle beam-spammage, so he was sticking to his guns. Literally and figuratively.

"I am too into women! I was just...curious," he replied in a small voice, cheeks as red as the ZAFT uniform he once wore. Well, it was more like twice. Or three times. Nah, maybe it was four.

Screw it. Kira had lost track of how often Athrun switched sides a long time ago.

Moments passed and Kira just sat there unmoving, with a grin on his face that would have made the Cheshire Cat proud, never mind the fact that he wasn't supposed to know who the Cheshire Cat was. Athrun was sweating profusely, seeming more and more nervous by the second. Although, apparently he had the courage for one last jab.

"You're right, I'm sorry. It isn't at all funny that you and Mu La Flaga just screwed each other in a fiction story on the internet."

"_Athrun!_"

"All right, I'm serious this time. I'm sorry. Just don't tell her. Please? Especially not _who _it was. Do not tell her who it was!" His friend sounded so desperate, Kira almost felt bad for him for a second. Almost.

Was it enough? Nope. Not even close.

"Okay. I promise I won't tell Cagalli that you made out with Yzak Joule at summer camp."

"_Kira!"_

Now he was the one who was struggling not to start laughing/sobbing. "What? I didn't say I wouldn't speak of it at all."

"I was nine years old, okay? Nine! You were there, you could have talked me out of it."

"Please, Athrun, you can't even effectively talk _yourself _out of something without it already being too late to turn back. Why do you think you're never in the same military group for more than twenty to thirty episodes? You're as much of an emotional nutcase as I am."

His lip was out in a pout, and his arms were crossed over his chest as he lay on his back, but his friend didn't raise any protest. "Fair enough."

Geez. When had being a whiny little girl become Athrun's job? That Shinn kid was supposed to hold the title now, right? Kira had always thought that the one green outfit with that funny looking beret had made Athrun look like a girl scout or something, but this behavior was a bit extreme even taking that into account, wasn't it? At least girl scouts sold cookies and stuff.

Things could always be far worse for his best friend than they were, that was for sure. He could be some nobody bodyguard named Alex Dino who went nowhere and did nothing.

…huh. No wonder he'd joined back up with ZAFT.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

...yeah. Don't look at me, I don't know either. It doesn't make any sense. I love Gundam Seed and Seed Destiny to death, but that doesn't mean I can't make fun of it too XD. It was especially fun coming up with the really bad story clips of the Kira/Mu story.

Review?


	2. Chapter 2

_**Author's Note: **_This story is a parody, and all in good fun. Any similarities to existing stories and authors is a complete coincidence. The titles, summaries, and ficlet fragments included in here are entirely my creation. It's just way too fun to make this shit up as I go.

_**High Schools, Starlit Skies, and Vampiric Abnormalities**_

Athrun scowled and flipped over from his back to his stomach, snatching the laptop computer from Kira's hands before he could protest otherwise. "That's it, my turn! I wanna find some more humiliating stories about you."

Kira rolled his eyes. Whatever, if that was really going to make him happy. His best friend had kind of been in a weird mood ever since he'd fainted during the battle with what's-his-face and the other what's-his-face. He couldn't exactly blame him either, considering the fact that this series was breaking down his manly coolness piece by painful piece. Honestly, ever since the end of _Seed _it was all down hill from there for his buddy. His girl almost got _married _behind his back, he was picked up as a chess pawn in the Chairman's game...and Kira knew how Athrun hated it when people took advantage of his impeccable sense of justice like that. No wonder he was pissed about that.

Or maybe he was just mad because Chairman Dulindal's hair was longer and shinier that his. It was never easy when someone beat you out of the "I'm a total bishie and chicks luuurve me" title. Hmm. What kind of conditioner did he use? Not that it mattered. Kira's studly charms were more than enough to beat _both _of them out, conditioner or no conditioner.

Nevertheless, that little pouty lip Athrun was currently pulling kind of tugged at Kira's heart strings a little bit. He _was _his best friend after all. Maybe he should try to cheer him up.

"Come on Athrun, don't be so glum. Look at the positives of your situation."

"And what might those be, pray tell? I just got shot out of the sky by someone who's even more emotionally unstable than Sasuke from Naruto."

"...yeah, good point. But look at it this way. The only reason that kid beat you in the first place was because you were distracted and in a frickin' GOUF against the Destiny. Your seed mode pwns his every time the two of you fight against each other in berserk mode, and why do you think that is? That's another point in your favor. Same with me, really. Do you _honestly _think Shinn would have been able to beat me if I wasn't trying to protect my damn sister and wrestling with my own inner turmoil in the middle of a battlefield? He doesn't stand any real chance against you or I. He's only here for some pathetic attempt to create a plot including new characters rather than the returning _Gundam Seed _cast."

Athrun raised an eyebrow, a grin slowly spreading across his face. "Never thought of it that way before, but you're right. And what do you know, he's a war orphan too. That's original. At least there was a _little _bit of thought put into our characters."

Kira nodded sagely. "Not that we really have any room to talk about being original. The entire Gundam series is a never-ending chain of the same themes used over and over again. We must be onto masked villain/anti-hero number 57 or something by now."

"Yeah, I know, but at least we get the coolest uniforms."

"All too true, my friend. All too true." He linked his fingers together and cracked his knuckles, resolving himself to another round of whatever horrors they would find. Fanfiction. He was starting to form a love/hate relationship for it.

"Okay, let's get this over with. What form of mental scarring can we bring upon ourselves this time?"

Athrun's eyes scanned the screen in front of him, and Kira leaned down closer so he could look too.

He began to read the titles and summaries...and had to bite his lip to keep from laughing. Most of the stories recently updated were _all _about Athrun...and Cagalli. Glancing over confirmed his suspicions. Athrun's face was red. From embarrassment or anger, he couldn't really tell.

And, the young coordinator couldn't fault him. One particular literary _masterpiece _looked a little something like this:

_**Atrun and Cagali go to high scool**_

_this storiey is about Atrun and Cagali and they go to high school together and its super fun. r & r! im knew at this!_

Even Kira couldn't find the strength to laugh at this one. He could practically see his own mouth drop open just as surely as he could feel it. His best friend's expression was even worse. The young pilot of the Freedom winced. Poor Athrun.

Imagine seeing a Wookie. You know, one of those huge furry creatures from that movie Kira had seen once? Now imagine you just watched your long lost lover getting ripped to shreds by it right in front of your eyes. Look at yourself in a mirror. Now you have Athrun's expression in that moment. Kira shuddered. He did not like imagining Lacus being eaten by that thing, but his level of disgust and horror was about the same. Gruesome metaphor for a gruesome excuse of a story.

"D-Does this person even _speak _English?" Kira stuttered, breaking the stunned silence. Seeing this gave him serious doubts about saving humanity.

"I can't believe this. Even my name is spelled wrong. She spelled my _name _wrong!"

"How do you know it's a girl...?"

"Kira, her pen-name is Mrsatrunzala. I think there's little doubt of that."

"Where do you see...oh, ha _ha _there it is. That's hilarious."

Athrun growled, and threw a pillow at his head. "It is _not! _These stories are horrible. It is morally wrong for people to continue writing them. Besides, I don't particularly remember marrying anyone recently."

"Maybe so, but that's never stopped people before. And, as far as the marriage thing goes, of course you're going to find people like that. They're called fangirls. " Kira's hand came up to run his fingers through his hair, and he shuddered. "I almost...got trampled by a pack of them once."

Green eyes widened, and his mouth twisted into a strange cross between amusement and concern. "You never told me that."

"I don't like to talk about it."

"Well, all right, all right. No need to cry." Because Kira's eyes were indeed about to tear up just remembering the incident. Athrun was always in space, so he'd kind of lucked out he supposed.

Kira sniffed, but more or less pulled himself together. After all, this wasn't _Gundam Seed. _"I'm not crying! Come on, let's keep looking."

And look they did, for better or for worse. Some of their findings were rather interesting, to say the least. Why did people find it so appealing to stick their favorite characters in a high school setting? Why would you even _wish _that upon someone? Kira and Athrun had enough drama as it was without it. Unfortunately for them though, that seemed to be a popular theme. Actually, most themes they were seeing were painfully overused.

_Athrun has to move and starts at Archangel High...(Yes, those types of stories numbered in the hundreds)._

_ …Athrun and Cagalli meet under the starlit sky of the city festival...(because that wasn't cliché at all)._

_ She was his best friend's sister, what was he supposed to do? How was he supposed to love her? (They must have seen dozens of those. Contrary to popular believe, their show was not a soap opera. Give it a rest)._

_ All he wanted was to drop everything and fulfill his life-long dream of becoming a goat-herder, but Athrun's father has other plans for him. Luckily, cowgirl Cagalli is there to help him break out of his shell. (Now wasn't that just _weird_...)_

_ Athrun is a vampire who has been searching through the ages for a mate, and now he has finally found her..._

"Wait, stop. Stop! What the _hell._ That doesn't make any sense. Why would you even...argh. I don't understand. Why is it that people are so obsessed with vampires? I'm a _mobile suit _pilot. I drive around giant humanoid robots for a living! How do you get _vampire _out of that?"

"Well a lot of people seem to like putting you in an alternate universe as a vampire. I guess that makes a little more sense than..."

"No. No, it doesn't. I've been in enough battles to taste my own blood before. I _hate _it. No amount of twisting and turning of the setting is going to make it okay to completely change my character. I can't stand being bound against my will to _anything. _I would never survive as a blood-sucking, havoc wreaking fiend." Man, when Athrun wanted to rant, he could rant. He was breathing heavily by the time his speech had ended.

"Okay, simmer down. You're right."

"Hmph. Of course I am."

"Now, that being said, I'm gonna click on this link and read about you as a blood-sucking, havoc wreaking fiend."

A sigh, as he felt the bed shake when his best friend flopped down on his stomach. "Why did I know you were going to say that?" His face was hidden inside of his hand, in a gesture that can only be described as, 'facepalm.'

"Because I'm your best friend and you love me, faults and all?"

Athrun rolled his eyes, while Kira scooted up closer to him and hugged him around the waist. "Yeah, something like that. Fine, let's get this over with."

"Yay!" Kira shouted. Eagerly, he sat up and clicked on the blue title link, and a second later, the story popped up on the screen. Without delay, he began to read. Out loud, in the most obnoxious voice he could muster.

_He moved with the shadows...trench coat sliding against the ground, collar popped up to hide half of his face. His skin was pale white, and even in the faint light of the moon you could see his fangs glisten where they protruded from his mouth. A sturdy metal crossbow was strapped to his back. Why? Because this is a vampire fanfic, silly. He has to be a badass. That was why there was also a kitana hanging from his hip. And yes, somehow, inexplicably, we can still see it even though he's wearing a trench coat. Thank the poor descriptive skills of this author, who is trying way too hard to sound cool._

_Anyway, he was walking. Slowly, silently. Almost as if he were gliding along. He had to be. All real vampires were graceful, weren't they? It was his job to be as cliché and stereo typical as possible because this author didn't have much imagination. Wasn't his fault. _

_ Ah, but he was sad. Epically, spiritually, devastatingly sad. Being alone for 2,000 years tended to do that to people. He wanted...no. Needed, a partner. Someone to bond with, hold, cherish. Someone to satisfy the never-ending thirst. Someone who wouldn't mind if he gnawed on their neck more than necessary. Someone who wouldn't care if they tried out new, inventive ways of making love. Like upside down in a tree. Or chained sideways in a coffin. Or something._

_ 2,000 years also made one rather bored...with everything._

_ Onward he walked. Walking. Just walking. Now we're getting onto the angst more and more, but I'm a newbie author and I'm not sure what to do, so I'm going to try to make excessive walking sound dramatic, without specifying on the state of mind of Athrun Zala the vampire. Oh right, I forgot to mention his name. And, because I'm an idiot, I am also combining stories with author's notes. I'm still talking to you, aren't I? Oops, I'd better move on before the flow of the story is interrupted and you stop caring what it was about in the first place._

_ Conveniently enough, this was the point where a young woman with short blonde hair passed Athrun on the sidewalk. Instantly, he was bombarded with emotions. Who was she? She was beautiful. He was so in love with her! Like, really. Totally._

_ He grabbed her arm and pulled her against him, and in a silky smooth voice, whispered in her ear. "You belong to me, my sweet."_

_ To his surprise, she didn't go for it immediately. The girl pulled her arm away and scowled at him, her pretty face screwed up in annoyance. "Who the hell are you? You've got a lot of nerve, telling me that when we don't even know each other. Blah, blah, blah. I'm the heroine so I'm going to spout a bunch of nonsense about how I don't love you back and that I want to get away from you."_

_ Athrun the vampire raised an eyebrow, frowning. "So does this mean I should let you go? If I'm a respectable guy, I should..."_

_ "No, silly! I was only saying that because virtually every character in every romance has to put up some sort of futile resistance. Of course I want you too!"_

_ "Great! I'm so happy. We just skipped about fifteen pointless chapters! Come, allow me to partake from that gorgeous, slender neck of yours. Oh yeah, what was your name again?"_

_ "Cagalli," she answered with a smile. Without further adieu, she lifted her hair up and offered him her throat. "I'm ready for you."_

_ And so, Athrun sucked nearly all of the blood from her body, and she collapsed. But, that was all right because now she was a vampire too and would recover with time. He jumped into his mobile suit with her in his arms and took off toward his lair, where they would spend eternity...together._

_ Or until the next war anyway._

_~Fin~_

For a moment, the pair said nothing. They just sat together on the bed. Blinking. Wondering what the hell had just happened.

It only lasted for a few seconds though. Kira bursted out laughing. He just couldn't help himself.

"That was so bad it was good!" he screeched between bouts of giggling, while Athrun sat sulking, with his arms crossed over his chest.

"Of all the ridiculous..." He muttered, his hand over his face once again. Then he sighed heavily, shoulders slumping. "Kira?"

"Yeah?"

"Let me borrow your flamethrower. I'm going to burn every trench-coat I have."

"...why do you have multiple trench-coats?"

"Why do _you _have a flamethrower?"

"Touche, Athrun. Touche."

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This fic gets more and more fun with every second XD

Thanks for reading! Reviews? Please? I'll give you Pocky.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's Note: I own nothing mentioned in this chapter. Nothing. Well, except for this fanfic itself. Happy reading ;)

_**I'm Doing WHAT to you in that fanfic?**_

Kira walked in the door from the hallway of the Archangel, candy and bottles of soda in hand. They'd decided to take a short break, because come on. Who could drag themselves through hell and live to tell about it, _without _caffeine and chocolate to back them up? Whoever said that was just a girl thing was a complete bullshitter. Yup, you guessed it. The secrets behind Kira's super ultra awesome god-modding powers: mountain dew. And Reese's peanut butter cups.

Hmm. Were those supposed to exist in the cosmic era? Kira shrugged. Oh well. They did _now. _Why? Because he said so, of course. Where have you been? Haven't you heard that Kira's word was law? Why else would that fact be reiterated in every chapter of this fanfic? This wouldn't be a parody if the author didn't constantly make fun of the inevitable repetition of _Gundam Seed_.

As soon as the door slid shut, he stopped short, puzzled. Athrun was mysteriously missing. Where did he go?...oh no. Gasp! It couldn't be!

"You insensitive jerk! You're always leaving me behind for some _organization. _You left me again, didn't you? Didn't you?_! _Why do you always do this? Am I not good enough for you? Am I -"

"Kira, I'm over here." ...huh?

Sure enough. Kira looked over and there he was, leaning against the bathroom doorway. Glaring at him. Looking _extremely _annoyed. Oops. Guess jumping to conclusions was another thing he was going to have to work on.

"What?"

Athrun said nothing, just continued with his death glare.

Sweatdrop. "Oh come on, can you really blame me? How was I supposed to know you didn't change your mind again within the five minutes I was gone?"

His face was still stuck in the same expression, even as he replied. "You're never gonna let me forget that, are you?"

"Uh...no. No, not really."

For a moment more, he continued with that same hostile stare. Then he looked away, rolling his green eyes in disgust. "I hate you."

"I know." Kira grinned. "But look, I bought you a snickers!"

"Ooh. Hey wait, I thought those weren't supposed to exist here."

"They do _now_."

"...you know, now that I think about it, doesn't using brand names kind of set up cultural barriers? Some people who read this aren't going to know what we're talking about." Athrun rubbed his chin as he toyed with the idea, disturbed.

"I came prepared. See, look. I brought Pocky, and some mochi too!"

"That doesn't...ah, who cares, we have candy."

"Exactly."

And so, the two friends sat back down as they tore into their not so multicultural treats. Kira, licking his chocolate-covered fingers (because the fangirls love that shit) grabbed the laptop as he popped a second peanut butter cup into his mouth.

"Whatcha doin'?" Athrun asked, mouth full of strawberry mochi. Kira raised an eyebrow. Wasn't it obvious by now?

"What else? I'm looking for more fanfiction."

"Kira..."

"What do we have to lose now? We've already seen me getting dominated by Mu LaFlaga, and you as a blood-sucking havoc-wrecking vampire. With _tons_ of prissy trench-coats that sound like they belong to Keanu Reeves. I don't know about you, but the shock factor is wearing off a little bit."

"Sure that's what you say right _now_...but what happens when we find something else that's about you? If I had a nickle for every time you..."

"Haha, you said nickle. _Nicol_..."

"Would you shut up and listen to me? You never pay any attention to your surroundings, Kira, I swear. Don't you remember that time when..."

Athrun continued to ramble about something or another, but Kira was no longer paying attention. Something else had caught his attention. Caught it in an iron vice.

"...except for that time when I found you naked in the dorm jacuzzi at moon school...hey, are you listening?"

Kira was not. He simply sat frozen with an impassive expression on his face, frowning as he took in the contents of the page. After another moment or two, he nodded slowly. His next words were accepting, if nothing else. "Hmm. Interesting. Well, I guess I could see why people might get that impression."

This, of course, made Athrun suspicious. His eyes narrowed. "What impression...? What are you looking at?"

Wordlessly, Kira turned the screen to face him, his lips twisted up into what must have been the biggest shit-eating grin his best friend had ever seen. He had the most comical 'Oh. Oh God,' look on his face all of a sudden.

Sure enough, Athrun looked at the text on the screen...and his face fell from 'Oh God' to completely slack. Blank. Like, ultra blank. "You have got to be kidding me."

"Nope, afraid not."

"I...but...that doesn't...that's not even...that is _not _possible. Why, oh why, in a million years, would I _ever _hook up with _you?_"

Kira moved to sit next to Athrun, shrugging. "Well, you wouldn't and we both know that, but how do the viewers know?"

"How could they _not_? What kind of an idiot could possibly believe our relationship is like that?"

"I don't know Athrun, we do frequently scream each other's names in the middle of the battlefield."

"Well..."

"And stare longingly into each other's eyes whenever we have a chance to meet."

"Yeah, but..."

"Oh, and there's that thing where we stop to broodingly stare out of a window at least once an episode, and that's when the dramatic, heart-felt flashbacks come in. Not to mention, the show is packed with fanservice between you and I."

"That doesn't mean..."

Kira looked up at his best friend, wearing an expression that could only be described as 'deadpan.'

"Athrun, you gave me a robotic bird as a present when we parted. In the middle of a park. Surrounded by thousands of _falling cherry blossoms_."

Athrun threw his arms up in surrender, groaning. "Okay, okay, I get it! Maybe it did seem a little...homosexual...sometimes..."

Kira patted him on the shoulder. "There you go, buddy. The first step is admitting you have a problem..."

He took one look at Athrun's expression, and recoiled. Ouch. Scary. "I was kidding, I was kidding," he replied hastily, waving his hands in front of his face in a sheepish manner.

Silence.

Awkward. Again. "So uh, anyway...let's check some of them out. You know, just for the hell of it."

Again, Athrun threw up his arms, only this time, he merely sighed. Then bitched a fit. "Sure, why the hell not_?_! What do I care? I'm just a parent-less, always second best, mobile suit pilot. I don't give a damn. Really, I don't! Do what you want, you never listen to _me _anyway."

"...okay then. Moving on." Emotional much. Someone needed a tampon.

"Let's see what we can...oh, ha _ha, _check it out. You're pregnant in this one."

Okay, not a tampon. An epidural. Because judging from how red his face became, he was either really, really pissed off, or he was going into labor. His reaction really was quite funny, despite the fact that Kira was revolted that he had somehow gotten his best friend pregnant.

The aforementioned young Zala sputtered garbled swear-words in several different languages for a time, before his speech actually started to make sense again. Although, Kira thought he caught the phrases, _son-of-a-mother-fucking-biscuit, _and _why does he get to be on top?_

"Physically _impossible!" _Athrun finally stammered, panting.

"_Pregnant. _That explains a few things. Aww, why didn't you tell me that was why you were moody this whole time? Or...you're not planning to keep our child from me, are you? 'Cause you know, they say that a kid is much more likely to end up mentally screwed if he grows up without one parent or the other."

"_Kira Yamato!"_

"Calm down, geez. All right, all right. We'll move onto the next one."

With that, Kira back-spaced, then scrolled down the page for the main _Gundam Seed _archives...and lo and behold, the first one that caught his eye had the power to churn his stomach. He was the Ultimate Coordinator. His stomach did _not _churn. That must have been some foreboding sign that imminent doom was looming overhead. You know, kind of like when Junius 7 smashed the Earth in oblivion.

Kira visibly winced. Wow. That was pretty over the line, even for him.

_**The Frist Time**_

_Kira and Athrun just hit puberty, and there freinds are all talking about weird stuf. Weird, sexy stuf that makes they're bodies tingle. Can they find out what it means together?_

Well then. There was only one thing to say to that. "Ew."

"_Really _eww. And come on, how many times could you possibly use the wrong form of 'there' in the same sentence?" Athrun questioned, seemingly perplexed by the idea that idiocy was steadily increasing year by painful year. It was getting so bad, people didn't even know how to speak or express themselves through words anymore.

"...shall we read?"

Athrun shuddered, then nodded grudgingly. "This is a bad idea."

"Probably."

Maybe he should just be a mature, rational adult, and turn off the computer. He was eighteen now, he should act like it.

Ha. Hey look, he made another joke.

Click. Of course. The young coordinator was starting to think of it as, 'the click of apocalyptic horror.'

That...sounded much better in his head than it would out loud.

Anyway...story. Right.

"_Athrun, Athrun!" Yelled Kira in a high-pitched voice. _

"_What, Kira" Asked Athrun with a smile._

"_I herd Yzak and Dearka were kising in the clasroom. Everyones talking bout it."_

"_Yeah I herd that to. Why wuld they do that? I men I kno were 11 now, but its weird."_

"_I dunno...but do u think it might be cuse of...u know...puberty. Ive been feeling so warm and tingly for no reson lately." It was always when he loked at Athrun but he culdnt tell him that he was his best friend he wuld hate him._

_Athrun nodded and then he toched Kiras shulder and then he pushed him in the bush. Kira wa suprised._

"_Why did u do that Athrun" He asked Athrun with teers in his beutifle purple amethyst sparkling eys. (**A/N: HOW CUUUUUTE. Kira-kun is kawaii when he crys!) **_

"_Because I...I having weird feelings to because of puberty and I think I luv u Kira."_

"_Athrun your right I luv u to."_

_And, then they had sex. The end._

Athrun raised an eyebrow as Kira looked up at him. Shock of one thousand different types was apparent on his face.

"Dude...that was...I don't..." He threaded his fingers through his oh-so-silky looking hair and hid his face in his hands.

The Ultimate Coordinator had to agree with him. "Yeah, I know...I don't even know what to say." Whoever this author was, they had the power to produce writing _so _bad, it rendered everyone who read it completely incapable of speaking. That sure was something.

His best friend wasn't finished ranting. Rightfully so. "I mean...not only was it a disgrace to every language in existence...it was about us having _sex _with each other when we were like, twelve! _Twelve! _

"Actually, I think it was eleven."

"That's _worse!_"

"Hmm...aren't there laws against that or something? At the very least, a _basic moral code? _Do people actually read this crap and enjoy it?" Kira questioned, genuinely puzzled.

All of a sudden, they were interrupted in the middle of their conversation. By someone blaring a radio. _Very _loudly. What now? Who was that?

_Like a virgin...touched for the very first time..._

What the hell was...?

Wait. Oh, what the crap was this? No way. It must have been her...it had to be! There was one person who was even more all-knowing than Kira himself, and one person only. That was...Lacus. Lacus Clyne. Somehow she had used her incredible mind-reading, empathetic powers to see and/or predict exactly what they were doing in here, and she had picked music accordingly that was both disturbing, and hilariously fitting all in one.

He'd run into her in the hallway coming back from getting snacks, gave her a quick kiss, and walked off. How had she deduced this from just talking to him for two seconds in the hallway? Was she psychic?

Or maybe she had installed cameras in this room and was watching them with a warm cup of cocoa as they spoke.

Lacus scared him sometimes.

"Hey, turn that _off_!" he screamed, trying not to laugh at the way Athrun's eyes were bugging out of his head.

A few seconds passed...and then, he was blessedly greeted with silence. To his surprise, she had actually complied. Huh. Maybe she would be accommodating after all.

Lies. _All lies._

Within seconds, there was another song screaming into their eardrums.

_You and me, baby ain't nothin' but mammals, so let's do it like they do on the discovery channel..._

Oh, come on."Not cool, Lacus! Not cool! I love you, but..."

Song change again. Damn, this was demented.

_Let's talk about sex, baby. Let's talk about you and me..._

Athrun was the one to pipe up this time. He seemed to have finally broken the curse of the really bad writer (Hehe. That sounded like a bad movie title).

Unsurprisingly, he did not comment on the fact that Kira's girlfriend did in fact seem to know exactly what they were doing at that moment. Typical. Athrun knew as well as anyone that Lacus might as well be the Goddess of their world. Or something. All knowing, and stuff.

"Would you give it a rest!_?_" Athrun shouted at the top of his lungs.

She would not. Kira was, again, unsurprised.

_I don't want anybody else. When I think about you, I touch myself..._

"Argh! Lacus!"

Apparently upon hearing Kira's voice, she turned that one off too, and from the room next to them, the pair could immediately hear a ridiculous amount of female laughter assaulting their eardrums.

It was Athrun's turn to be 'deadpan.' But, only after groaning and rolling his eyes once more.

"Your girlfriend is insane."

"Yeah, well...at least I _have one. _And she's hot."

"Low blow, man. Low blow. Is that any way to treat the supposed mother of your child?"

Kira...had nothing to say to that.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Ah, I have been waiting to write this one. It was more fun than you could ever imagine XD


	4. Chapter 4

**Typical, Hardcore, Casual Mobile Suit Sex. Wait. What?**

"Uh. Kira? Come here and tell me if I'm reading this right," Athrun called from his position on the bed, leaning against the wall with the laptop…well. On his lap. Go figure.

His best friend looked confused and that didn't bode well at all. They'd just read about a vampiric mobile suit pilot, eleven year old homosexual versions of themselves, and Mu LaFlaga, resident pedophile. What could he have possibly found that still surprised him?

"What is it this time? Oh God. It's not another one of those of those Flay/Lacus ones is it? Because why? Just why?"

"Um. Well no, but still. I think you're gonna wanna see this to believe it. Part of me really wants to laugh at your expense, but there's another part that's just…what? I mean. What? Here, just read it. I've lost the ability to form words other than 'what.'

With growing trepidation, Kira flopped back down on the bed and snatched the computer from Athrun, who was pointing to the aforementioned lines with the tip of a finger.

So Kira read them. Decided he must be mistaken and read them again. Blinked, rubbed his eyes and read them again. Questioned whether or not his mountain dew had been spiked with liquor. And read them again.

Hmm. That was strange. No matter how many times he looked at the screen, the lines always seemed to say: "It's just your typical, hard-core casual mobile suit sex. Shinn/Kira."

Shinn/Kira.

As in Shinn and Kira.

Together.

Having casual mobile-suit sex. In their mobile suits.

Together.

What.

Kira blinked at the text once more, turning to Athrun with the most dead-pan expression he had ever mustered in his life. "I'm sorry, what? I'm confused."

"See? I don't know what to make of it either."

Kira sighed and brushed his fingers through his hair. "I barely know his _name. _Why would I…I just. What?"

Athrun shut his eyes, as if in physical pain. Maybe he was. "Okay, we have to say something other than 'what.'

"I know but…_what?"_

"Chicks like that whole hate sex aspect of relationships a lot. I guess that could be it. Remember the one of you and I on that island after we blew each other up?"

"How could I forget? I'm still trying to understand how anyone has sex with a bloody leg stump half detached from their body. But Athrun, I don't hate Shinn. I don't even _know _him. I'd forgotten his name until just now when I read it."

"…should we?"

"I want to say no, but I also feel like I have to." Kira gritted his teeth and clicked on the link. "We need to stop. Seriously. We've been holed up in here for days. I think the crew is starting to get worried. Don't we have battles we're supposed to be fighting?"

"Eh. Don't worry about it. This is _Destiny_. Nothing really happens unless the two of us do something, and considering we're both here, well. I don't think we have anything to worry about."

"Guess you're right. Who else is going to be the main character? Shinn?"

At this, they both had a good laugh. Yeah. _Sure. _Then they trained their eyes on the screen, clutching each other for support in the trial that was to come.

_The Impulse and the Freedom clashed in a fiery display of sparks and shrapnel, metallic faces inches from each other, tension seeming to bleed even through the metal of their mobile suits. The battle raged around them, although the occupants of the suits hardly seemed to notice. To Kira, the Impulse was the world and to Shinn, the Freedom was his destiny._

"_You sound so sexy when you're trying to kill me," Kira purred through their battle frequency, pushing down just a little bit harder on Shinn's sword. No not that one, the other one. Sickos._

"_I'm always trying to kill you," Shinn quipped back, rubbing his Gundam's metallic cheek against that of the Freedom._

"_I know." Kira smirked and positioned the Freedom so that it was pulling the Impulse into its arms. "It's fantastic, mystery mobile suit pilot whom I've met only once and forgotten about."_

"_You like it when I talk dirty, don't you bitch? I'll call you Freedom, since the only thing I know about you is that I wish you were dead."_

_Kira nodded to himself. "Makes sense. Wanna have sex?"_

_Shinn grinned. "Do I ever. Your place or mine?"_

"_Mine. My girlfriend wants to watch."_

"_Okay, that's cool. Hold on a sec."_

_And so the world watched in awe as the pilot of the Impulse ejected from his cockpit and made his way over into the Freedom's, which opened to receive him. Kira grabbed Shinn's hand and ripped both of their helmets off, crushing their lips together in a savage display of dominance. Because Kira wanted to be the seme this time. Shinn gasped for breath when they broke apart, waving to Lacus, who was watching on livestream. She waved back._

_Kira smiled, nuzzling Shinn as he worked on the fastenings of his flight-suit. "So what's your real name, anyway?"_

"_Bruno."_

_Kira barked a laugh. "That's not your fucking name, how stupid do you think I am?"_

"_You're right. It's not. What's yours?"_

"_Well as long as we're making up names. Fabio."_

_Shinn laughed. "Okay. Fabio it is. So what happens now? Are we actually doing this?"_

"_My name is Fabio and this is a romance fic. Of course we're doing this."_

"_Just be gentle, okay? It's been awhile."_

_Kira smiled, working his own flight suit over his shoulders and down his impressively rippled torso. Never mind the fact that no one should ever use the words 'impressively rippled torso' together in succession. This is a romance fic, silly._

"_Sure. Whatever, baby. Just sit there and look pretty. I'll do the work."_

_And so began the tale of how one of the war's deadliest battles suddenly became pay-per-view pornography. Shout out to all of the brave pilots who lost their lives hovering long enough to tape and broadcast it to all channels in the universe._

_The End._

Athrun was in hysterics on the floor before they'd even finished the first paragraph. Kira, grim faced, continued on, reading out loud, though he had to stop to mourn his lost dignity a few times before continuing.

"Fabio? Really? Why couldn't it have been something cool, like…I don't know. Bone-cruncher. Or Ass-kicker?"

Athrun grabbed the edge of the mattress and pulled himself up into a sitting position. He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, still grinning like an idiot. "I am calling you Fabio from now on. Seriously."

"I hate you."

"Please don't punish me, Fabio. I'll be good. I promise." Athrun barely got the sentence out before dissolving into giggles again.

Kira rested his head on one knee, eyes thoughtful, yet sad. "I should just start writing these myself. At least I'd be in character."

* * *

Oh my God, I'm sorry. I don't know what I just wrote.

But it was awesome. I've missed this fic. Greetings everyone! Readers new and old. It has been too long. Far too long :'D


End file.
